I think of it as the Black Knight. I am always fighting him. He always seem stronger than me. He always seems to have the upper hand, and he claims victory over me in so many areas. Okay...so it's not a "he." It only has the power I let it have, yet I let it have it's way.
I've been fighting a serious bout with depression.
It's been a long battle since the death of a family member about 8 months ago. Those close to me know what this was all about. They have been there for me and listened to my craziness. I appreciate all of them more than they could ever know. But sometimes, it feels like I am all alone in this.
I know that I am not the only one who has ever lost someone. I know that, in comparison to my wife, who lost her brother, I am having a walk in the park. I also know that life must go on...that the world keeps revolving, and me right along with it. However, there is a part of me that wishes it could all be different.
Some of my favorite things are no longer things I want to do. Everything has taken on a blah hue, like a beige room with beige curtains and beige furniture...Everything is so beige...so blah. Nothing surprises me anymore. Nothing makes me feel good anymore. I am full of cynicism and I don't want to do anything.
I don't say any of this to get you all to say, "Ah, poor Jason." More, I want to bring attention to how people can start to get cold to the world and just stop caring. Sometimes, life is hard. It is hard on everyone. But there are people that are not as equipped to deal with life's disappointments. They have their own Black Knight.
Their Black Knight visits them everyday. He beats them down, taking their very soul from them and then laughing at them while they squirm for some relief. His attacks always seem more than they can bare and they always succumb to his strength.
Just knowing the battle that I am facing on such a small front, I can't imagine those who have had it rougher than me and what they are going through.
If you suffer from depression and see the world from grey tinted glasses, I just want you to know that I understand. I understand even from my limited view. I understand though my life has never been the same as yours. I understand.
Just remember...
There is always hope...ALWAYS!
Wow, you could have written this about me, just a few years ago. It was a long slow process, but I came out of it. I still deal with it from time to time, but knowing there are others out there feeling the same way really helps.
ReplyDeleteI hope this post brings comfort to those who read it, knowing they are not alone.
Very brave post, Jason. Love to you.
ReplyDeleteVery well said. I think that when people find themselves in that battle, the best defense is often the hardest one to see: That there ARE people who understand. As you said, maybe they don't have the same experiences, but they can understand it and try to be there.
ReplyDeleteDepression isolates us from those around us and the world at large. The best way to fight it is to reestablish those connections. But, that's hard to do, and takes time.
I'm going to email you, Jason.
ReplyDelete